When Waters Meet
This quest I find myself on..
perpetual movement
an endless wandering
A desperate attempt to quench a sense of restlessness bone deep. A compass I find at my middle pulling me along, yet I don't know how read. The tug tug tug has me walking in my sleep
dizzy,
in my search of something I don't know how to find.
Where the origin of this story lies is in the depths of the desert. Deep in the Sahara, near the pillars of Ouarzazate. My ancestors kept busy in their dances, over mountains and sandy peaks... in body, spirit, and soul we do not settle. I sit alone and wonder who imbued us with this spirit. My beautiful people...
in these blistering winds I am lost to them now.
This wandering spirit has led our recent generations on a wayward path, but I fear as I am now we are losing more than we have ever been without. My grandparents left those sandy planes to the promise of a city, and further still my father traversed the ocean... finding this current resting place. As I find myself wading through the isolation, my ancient roots remain buried on distant shores. Mourning the living is the deepest heartbreak, the sense of loss I carry is knowing that I was not born whole. I am fractured,
suspended,
gatekeeper of worlds but cursed to remain at the threshold. If I were to pass whole body through, I would be lost forever.
I wonder if it was this broken heart I was born with, that gave me the connection to this compass. My most primal connection to find my way home. But other times I fear I am a monster... an unfortunate accident... a cursed creature my ancestors never intended.
However on I continue, age has helped me see it was not a choice I was given to make, and with that have made peace that I am my father's daughter. I have been withheld, a docile captive, from the language, family, culture, and identity that are my birthright. I am built of the same bones, this ancient blood shines red through the cuts on my skin, and as through millennia I take in the sweet, fresh air of a place yet to be known. I rely upon the strength of my ancestors guide me to the living. I did not choose this connection, they appeared before me and so I follow, listening intently to the path that has been laid before me. It is a lifelong quest I have been given, the karma of the ties severed by father and son.
But yet,
I have the spirit.
And I will see it done.
They say what you upmost desire is also what you fear. I scarcely let myself imagine the culmination of this quest. To be in Aunt Khadijah's arms, and the cousins, aunts, and uncles who have lived fully in this lifetime without this wayward daughter. Never knowing is heartbreak, but to see their love, to be seen in their eyes... a lump forms in my throat as I am wholly unsure the tears would ever cease. The shame would dissolve me... all at once down I would float, seeping into the earth. Maybe then I would see this through...
And so I have resolved to shatter before you
sinking down and deep
where the old bones lie...
and cry for me.